Cadbury, I’m Very Disappointed In You

Published by Jon on 17 May 2009 in Funny, No Idea and Ranting. 0 Comments

I bought a Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar the other day. It was substandard. So I wrote this letter.

Dear Lovely Cadbury’s Consumer Relations People

Whilst travelling to Bradford recently Elizabeth and I decided to stop at a motorway service station to purchase some snack products for our journey. As I was in charge of the purchases I decided upon the following:

  • One 500ml bottle of Diet Coke
  • One 500ml bottle Dr Pepper
  • Two Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars

The choice of the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars was obvious. Both Elizabeth and I are big fans of your famous Cadbury’s Creme Eggs but given that we were in a car hurtling up the motorway I felt it prudent to enjoy the Cadbury’s Creme Egg experience in bar form.

Now, I have nothing against your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs, it’s just that they are a little difficult to eat sometimes and are a snack better suited to the home environment (on the sofa, in the lounge when watching Ashes To Ashes for example). Sorry, I digress; I’ll get to the point.

Upon biting in to her Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar Elizabeth’s delight was obvious, the noises alone indicated enjoyment far above the norm! However it was a very different story when I bit into my bar, a very different story indeed.

It was solid!

That’s right solid. You can imagine my surprise when that happened. The enclosed picture was taken when I returned home.

Additionally I have retained the part of the bar that was left (it was a struggle to stop Elizabeth from eating it I can tell you!) and enclose a small chunk (wrapped in cling film) for your forensic analysis. I can tell you this much though, it was definitely the same type of chocolate that you make your Cadbury’s Creme Eggs out of (delicious and tasty).

I would very dearly love to know exactly what happened in your Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory when this bar was being produced. Was it sabotage by a rival firm? A disgruntled former employee interfering with the fondant injector perhaps? Or could it have been an escaped experiment, the result of a secret project with a special ‘black budget’, set up to research new and innovative products? Who knows, all I know is I was shocked and a little disappointed.

I don’t like to talk about money but I fear given the current economic climate I must. I am obviously now out of pocket to the tune of approximately 65p, if you factor in my time and the cost of producing this letter it rises to a whopping £1.40.

I’m not going to claim damages for emotional distress though so don’t worry. I would settle out of court for the following:

  • An explanation of why my Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bar was hewn from solid (solid!) chocolate
  • A trip for two around the Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted factory
  • One box of Cadbury’s Creme Egg Twisted bars
  • A signed photo of Trevor Bond (your Managing Director, he must have had a hand in this if it was a secret project?)

I await your response with baited breath.

Keep on trucking!

Jon

PS This little incident has in no way affected my view of your products, as I type I’m tucking in to a delicious bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

PPS My phone number, if you need to call me, is 07939 325 186.

PPPS If it was a secret project my discretion is assured. Please don’t send the heavies around, I have a weak ankle.

Not had a response yet…

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Joanna Lumley: Queen Of The Naive

Published by Jon on 8 May 2009 in People and Ranting. 0 Comments

I love Joanna Lumley, she’s foxy, dignified and not altogether unlikeable. She is also sadly cringingly naive. After having heard her talking on Radio 4 this morning I became less and less inclined to be bothered about the whole Gurkha thing.

Don’t leave here under the wrong impression, I really believe all the Gurkhas that fight in wars on behalf of the United Kingdom should be allowed citizenship and a decent pension, it’s just that both sides are being a bit on the wank side with their arguments.

The Government is giving the impression that it doesn’t care and is pathetically inefficient (which it may well be) and the Lumley contingent are tub thumping without concern for due process or any concern at all about setting legal precedent.

You see that’s the bit that worries me, if we change the rules for one group of individuals it opens the floodgates for legal challenges from every other fucker.

All the rhetoric about our letting in asylum seekers/Polish builders/Belgian paedophiles and not our noble, brave Gurkha chums is horseshit. At the end of it all I’m fairly certain if citizenship was a game of musical chairs and it came down to a fight between Joanna Lumley and a Gurkha for the last chair, I’m certain Lumley would be up for a fight for it.

I’m also fairly certain the Gurkha would win. Ayo Gorkhali!

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A Word Or Two On Swine Flu

Published by Jon on 29 April 2009 in Idiots, Ranting and Unbelievable. 1 Comment

Even if the Israeli Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman thinks the name swine flu is offensive, and if he does I’d question exactly where his priorities actually lie, I’m certain of one thing; human beings are a skittish bunch.

So I have three words of advice. Are you ready for them?

Stop fucking panicking.

Thus ends this public service announcement.

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G20 Protester Horse Shit

Published by Jon on 26 April 2009 in Hate, Idiots, Politics, Ranting and Unbelievable. 0 Comments

Now as anybody that knows me will readily admit, money and me don’t get on. I don’t respect it and it does its best to get away from me as quickly as possible, complicit in this little game are the banks, so consequently I’m not a fan of them either.

However they have a place in the world and without them we’d be pretty fucked, that much is true. If we want to change the banking system we need to make sure it’s equitable and fair, with no ridiculous APRs (60% anyone?) and no ludicrous charging models (£25 per infraction, come on!).

What we don’t need to do is smash up a bank in Threadneedle Street under the misguided illusion that it’s political activism, it’s not you stupid bitch it’s criminal damage.

That’s not really the way to get the message across is it? People see smashed glass and broken bits of computer and immediately you’ve lost all credibility. It might be that you have any number of amazing points to make about the banking system and how it should be changed but because of what you’ve just done you’re just another lout.

That’s part of the problem though isn’t it? How do you get your message across? Where is the forum for debate?

Well of course there isn’t one. So you get rebellious teenage girls, who’re under some illusion that they’re the bastard love child of Che Guevara and Jeanne d’Arc, smashing up banks.

Saddest part of it is is that she’s being misled by a group of people (the people she more than likely shares her Brighton squat/commune/double decker bus on bricks with) who have as much of an agenda as the bankers and politicians she despises. She’s as much a pawn in their game as she is The Man’s.

Silly girl.

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The Ten Best Games Ever Made

Published by Jon on 5 April 2009 in Gaming and Geeky Stuff. 3 Comments

This is very simple but I thought you needed to know. Here they are in no particular order the ten best games ever made.

  • Metal Gear Solid (PlayStation)
  • Ico (PlayStation 2)
  • Shadow Of The Colossus (PlayStation 2)
  • Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube)
  • Wizball (Commodore 64)
  • Pac-Man Championship Edition (Xbox 360)
  • Burnout Paradise (PlayStation 3)
  • The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time (Nintendo 64)
  • Puzzle Quest: Challenge Of The Warlords (Nintendo DS)
  • Super Mario World (Super Nintendo)

Actually there is an order but only very slight Resident Evil 4 is at the top and Ico comes just after it, the rest are all joint third.

For information Bubble Bobble just missed out on being included and if I’m honest I’d be tempted to swap out Wizball for it but I just had to have a Commodore 64 title in there somewhere.

In the next couple of weeks I’m going to start writing little essays about all those games, so don’t make any plans will you?

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Twitter And The Cult Of Celebrity

Published by Jon on 30 March 2009 in Geeky Stuff, Idiots and Ranting. 0 Comments

I joined Twitter about a year ago and used to really enjoy using it, making the occasional little update here and there, reading my friends updates, engaging in some funny banter, that sort of thing.

Then the celebrities arrived.

The sheer volume of tweets that the likes of Jonathan Ross and Stephen Fry post is ridiculous. When you’re reading your Twitter feed on an iPhone and out of all the updates you get ninety five percent of them come from Jonathan Ross and each of those is in reply to some unseen comment, then you get really bored, really quickly.

The Twitter-shitters are one thing but at least they’re funny and/or interesting. It’s when the boring, band wagon jumpers get on board that you have to start worrying. Enter Chris Moyles self styled saviour of Radio One.

Chris Moyles is the least amusing man on the planet but, as I am certain he would point out to me, he does earn way more money than me. I’m fairly certain he’d follow that keen observation up with something about my poxy blog and lack of a breakfast radio show. I guess it’s these two things that makes him think people care about what he has to say.

His show bores me, he bores me and I’m really not interested in anything he has to say so why would I want his boorish, obnoxious musings when I’m on the move? Not only that but everytime he says twittering instead of tweeting (which he does a fair amount on the half hour monologue he does every fucking morning) he’s getting it wrong. No surprise there though is there?

The long and short of it is that I’m going off Twitter, where I was once a staunch advocate. Still I intend to keep tweeting just a little bit longer just to see what happens, I’ve removed all the celebs though, well except Stephen Fry, how could I?

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Poor Dom

Published by Jon on 14 January 2009 in Gaming and Geeky Stuff. 0 Comments

There’s a cutscene I came across in Gears Of War 2 the other day that’s rather moving.

Dom’s wife has been missing for sometime, when he hears news that she may have been taken by the Locust he sets about, with Marcus’ help, trying to find her.

And he does find her.

I thought it was all rather sad and full of pathos.

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Bring Back Golden Grahams!

Published by Jon on 7 January 2009 in Announcements, Cool and Love. 5 Comments

Very shortly this site will be hosting a petition to bring back the finest cereal the world has ever known: Golden Grahams.

I urge you for patience, it may take a couple of days months, but when it gets here I want you to sign it.

I trust you will…

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Thirty Four

Published by Jon on 16 December 2008 in Announcements. 2 Comments

I forgot to mention, I got some really cool shit for my birthday.

First on the list is a scarf, a reet long multi coloured scarf, with matching skull cap. Of course that’s not all though. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

I got an even cooler gift than that. I got a voucher.

For what? I hear you cry. For what?!

Well calm down my cherubs for I shall now impart to you what exactly it was the voucher was for.

It was for a day of Segway Rallying, just how cool is that?

I know, awesome isn’t it. Although I am slightly concerned by the photos on their site, the people on the Segways all look a bit, well, special needs.

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You Might Not Have Seen This…

Published by Jon on 16 December 2008 in Cool, Music and Videos. 0 Comments

Of course if you hadn’t you’d have missed a treat.

Fucking great isn’t it?

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It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Published by Jon on 2 December 2008 in Announcements. 0 Comments

Yay! It’s Dickerdoodle time!

Penny Arcade is running its/their Dickerdoodle competition again! I missed out on it last year, due to laziness and incomprehension but this year I want to win.

If any of you love me, you’ll help. We only have until December 8th, so if you even vaguely care about me and my bizarre inclinations you’ll rock up to my place on Saturday with ingredients and bake until your balls (or lady bits) turn blue.

So, are you in?

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Kate And Jon’s Annual Photo Shoot

Published by Jon on 30 November 2008 in Friends. 5 Comments

I should have posted these shots some time ago but me being me I never got around to it.

Kate came around one Sunday, what feel’s like yonks ago, and we went out for a couple of beers. Kate being Kate of course she didn’t manage to get to Nottingham until gone 18:00. On a Sunday. So as you can imagine we didn’t party particularly hard.

I’m happy to report though, that when I got up in the morning I found that my bin hadn’t been disturbed during the night. I think you all know what I’m referring to.

For those that don’t know what I’m referring to, let me clarify.

My subtle allusion is to an incident from a number of years ago, whereby Kate fished some pizza out of a bin and had it for breakfast. Bad enough you may think but no, there’s more. The pizza had been discarded along with a number of used tea bags.

I think that takes recycling a step too far, no?

In the interests of balance I would like to point out that Kate denies ever having fished the pizza out of the bin. She claims it was merely resting in its box (on its own, no tea bags), atop the bin.

That’s what she would say though isn’t it?

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