Not wishing to believe that there isn’t in fact a global conspiracy of highly organised swans and geese, my wife now sees fit to attack all swans and geese she encounters that she considers to be in a position of weakness.

She’s a bit like Blade, except it’s not vampires; it’s swans and/or geese.

She refuses to consider any point of view other than her own. This wouldn’t be so bad were it not for the fact that she is convinced that the swans and geese have formed a coalition. A coalition hell bent on pecking her arse.

The swans are in charge, the geese merely their lackeys. When the ducks will be called upon to join the fray is an oft debated point. My darling wife being of the opinion that the ducks are merely holding out for a better deal prior to committing their beaks to the cause.

This is leading to tension and paranoia. She now attacks whenever the opportunity presents itself. The attacks happen at random, are vicious and are often fueled by excessive amounts of vodka Red Bull, her consumption of which, of late, has almost bankrupted us.

No one needs to drink a litre of vodka and eight litres of Red Bull a day.

If this continues I may have to call the fire brigade…